How to respond to the "You don't understand" argument.

When my children were still toddlers I would imagine what they would be like as teenagers. Raising responsible teenagers starts when they are very young. One of the most common arguments I have heard from teenagers is, "You don't understand." Then they walk off confident that they are right and mom or dad have no clue.

I like the military approach. Know your enemy and prepare. Not that my children are enemies, this was just an expression. It is better to be prepared for an attack. Whenever an opportunity to talk to my children came about how some kids used that argument we logically talked it out.

In the first place no child is in a position to say what their parents do or do not understand. They do not know everything the parent has experienced. As a general rule you will find that parents have a greater pool of knowledge and experience than a child. For someone to respond to an argument with, "You don't understand" what they are basically saying is that they don't have a logical reply and so they go to emotion.

What you usually find is that the parent has logical reasons for their decision but the child wants to do it anyway and so they respond emotionally.

I will give an example. A young girl wanted to go to a basketball game and have her friend drive them there. The game was 50 miles away and the friend just got her dirvers license that day and the weather prediction was for an ice storm. Naturally the mother refused to allow her daughter to go with the friend. The parents were going to the game anyway and so would take them both because of bad weather. You can imagine the argument that took place with the "You don't understand" agrument being the girls trump card.

What parent would allow their child to be in a car with a brand new driver in an ice storm 50 miles away. Emotions were high and no one enjoyed the game.

One day my daughter wanted something and after several minutes of trying to get her way she stated. "You don't understand." I smile now as I remember it but at the time all I needed to do was look at her and raise my eyebrow. Her face went blank and she knew the agrument was over. She had fired her salvo and it hit my bunker with a thud. She knew then that I did understand how she felt but that my decision was based on what was the right thing to do. Because I had prepared for that enemy attack years ago it had no effect. We talked about it and also with her siblings. That is the one and only time any of my children has ever used that argument with me.

This only has an effect if the parent is being reasonable and not emotional. You shouldn't make decisions based on your emotions as a parent.